Recently i have tended to steer clear of putting personal things about myself on my blog, i let my blog gradually drift more towards a food and student blog even though it started out as a strictly personal blog recording all my numerous musings and rants.
I got into a new relationship a couple of months ago and if you've followed my journey on this blog you will know this is my second time in one ever, took me a while to come to terms with the feelings i had and then convince myself that it was not only the right time to move on but also the right step to take in my life.
I never ever thought i would get the gift of feeling this way again, after the disastrous ending of my past relationship i was sore, defeated and my pride was in the gutter, took me almost 2 years to come to terms with all that happened in those 6 years and reflect on decisions i had made that i deeply regret now and mistakes that i know i would never repeat again. It was indeed a learning process.
Beginning to love who i am, for me not for anyone else, building up my confidence again and realizing that no matter what had happened, ending things was the best decision i made, and moving on the hardest. Closing the door on the dependent insecure girl i was, the most difficult thing ever, i went through phases of denial, patched fences, tons of confusion and basically a self discovery process and i realize now that i needed all that time to find me and define who i am to myself.
By the time i met the SO, i was a changed person, i still had my heart and my beliefs intact, it was the one thing i stood by, that no matter how bruised and defeated i was, i would never let the largeness and accepting part of my heart die, that part of me that was so in love with love, i had to fight my personal battles to keep it, i remember times when i would feel absolutely NOTHING, love irritated me, i stayed away from friends and made even more stupid mistakes because i tried to act with my brain alone and forget that my heart is what makes my brain function to its best capacity.
Its been some funny couple of years and now when i look back to that faithful day in June 2010 when i ended things with TY, i actually smile, i was talking to my best friend about it a couple of weeks ago, i had spoken to TY to play catch up on our lives as we always do, and he was talking about his girlfriend who coincidentally is the girl that made me break up with him, 2 years later and she went from being the sidechic to the main squeeze, and i actually felt bitter, i didnt love him or care about him at all but i just hated the fact that he stayed with her after what it cost us, i didnt understand why it bothered me and i called my best friend to talk to her about it. I didnt care that he was with someone, it was just the fact that it was THAT girl.
He had been telling me about how their relationship had finally stabilized, she had been patient with him, because after i broke things up, he had taken it out on her and started seeing a couple of girls at the same time, but she waited and didnt complain because they werent actually dating and even when they started dating, she still didnt complain but now he had calmed down and things were good between them, i didnt even care about all that, i just didnt want them together. It still felt like a betrayal 2 years later. i wished in my heart that they will split and never make each other happy.
Feeling like a devil i called my best friend, she proceeded to give me the best advice i had heard all year (bless her soul), she said,
" i think you should pray for that girl, she helped you miss a bullet headed straight at you, you were not happy, you were dominated and a shadow of yourself for that entire time, look at who you are today, confident, in control, self reliant, i think she was the answer to a prayer, and the final push you needed to do something you should have done 4 years earlier"
That made so much sense to me, i had been angry at TY for so long for betraying our relationship and our friendship, i had hated and cursed the girl for years and now i just realize that i probably should thank her, she helped me, she was exactly what i needed at that exact time.
Where i am right now, with the most amazing person i have ever met, ever, i cant even believe it, how easy it is with him, talking, sharing, understanding, and the little things he does that shows me over and over again how very different this is, how love really should be, open and forgiving and supporting and not intimidating and dominating.